I need anyone’s advice. Is my story good so far…?
April 28, 2010 by
Filed under stone garden fountains
I’m a writer (well, I’m only 15 yr.s old and I’ve been writing since I was a child) and I was just wondering if the first part of my story is good or not. Any advice is appreciated, thanks to anyone who gives me feedback.
Okay, so here is a little taste of the story:
The morning started off like most days, except for everyone at the Cronston manor. The birds were chirping a melody that was peaceful, and most people in the small town of St. Janquet in England were either sleeping or getting out of bed for their morning cup of tea. At the edge of town near the quiet forest surrounding the small relaxing town was the Cronston manor. This particular manor was large, as most are, and a mix between dark blue and light blue with a white trim at the bottom. There was a large balcony in the back that overlooked the large garden. The garden had lush green grass with a majestic fountain that every so often spurted out a stream of water. Stone fences no taller than 5 feet surrounded the manor. The maid at the house is Mrs. Monatila, she’s a kind lady in her late 40’s but you don’t want to get on her bad side. She woke up every morning at 5 AM to tidy up the house and work on her daily housekeeping duties for the Cronstons. While she was walking across the 1st floor of the manor she went along cleaning the vases with a wet cloth like she usually does but when she got to the study she opened the door to a find a body lying on top of the desk. She clasped her mouth with her right hand and was feeling a little sick. She gently walked across the wood floor and over to the body. A gasp escaped her when she turned the body to look at the face and to her shock, it was……..
(So, what do you guys think?)
I do have it broken up into paragraphs, but for some reason yahoo put it all into one block or text, sorry. I added more detail to my story because I wanted to create a vivid world for the reader to step in to.
It’s too large of a block of text.
Break it up into paragraphs.
You have ALOT of detail in there is it really important to the story to have people know that she covered her mouth with her right hand? I think that you could get ride of SOME not all of the detail just some unless throughout the story it would become more apparent that these are important to know.
I also think that you should put in a paragraph in where you start with “the maid of the house” that should start a new paragraph for you.
I think you are off to a wonderful start. However, I think you need more information about the setting, background, etc before the maid stumbles upon the body…. Give the story a little life before introducing a murder….
I agree with the first two answers. You need to break it into paragraphs and cut out some of the descriptions.
I also think what the second paragraph should be is a little random. Giving so many details about the maid after talking about this beautiful place is confusing. Yes, she discovers the body, but spilling things about her personality makes the reader think that this is going to be about her. She only discovers the body so making her more of just a prop to the discovery of the body will provide more focus on this situation. Later you can tell readers her role.
One other thing is the last line- “A gasp escaped her when she turned the body…” so this sentence foreshadows that the dead person is someone important to the maid and totally unexpected, which then makes this part “…to her shock, it was” unnecessary. We already know it is shocking because she let out a gasp when she caught a glimpse when she turned the person over.
Besides those few thing I think it has potential. When writing you have to edit like there is no tomorrow so things like this are inevitable in the beginning. Keep writing and you can only get better.
The maid at the house is Mrs. Monatila………
You may want to change the is in this sentence to was, concidering that everything else is in past tense. It makes the reader stumble mentally when you switch up present and past tenses.
Also, I was wondering about the heads around the house. If these do not have any body, you may want to mention it, I don’t know but it made me think that you were talking about gargoyles until I reread it. You may also want to describe these heads. How do they make people feel? Are they scary? Maybe you could say that they seemed out of place, which they certainly do in my head; imagining a bright blue house with serious looking stone heads out front. Maybe the owner of the mansion collects them? Think about this with everything you write and it will help you make your story come alive.
Hope I helped!